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OCTOBER 2005
With great pride we announce that Christy Moore's new cd entitled, "Burning Times" contains two gorgeously covered Handsome Family songs. Thank you Christy!

The time is nigh...
"For A Decade of Sin: 11 Years of Bloodshot Records" will be released on
October 25th including a new recording from the Handsome Family.

http://www.bloodshotrecords.com/album/bloodshotrecordscompilations/183


SEPTEMBER, 2005

GENTLE READER, may this letter find you hale with good appetite. Find below many healthful tonics for fevers of the brain, bone, and blood as well as the latest doings of THE HANDSOME FAMILY...

Oct. 6-- We'll be guests on KUNM in Albuquerque with host Cynthia Hernandez at 3pm (mountain time) If you have nothing better to do you can listen in from out of town at: http://www.kunm.org/home.php

For the cleaning of teeth: cut thrice the saplings of oak under the fullest moon. Dry them in the shadow of a black mare. Pulverize oyster shells and the bones of several hanged men. Add fresh conserve of roses. Apply such paste morning and night with said oak sapling. Never a brighter smile!

October 8 we re playing at the El Rey Theatre in Albuquerque -- doors at 7pm, we're on stage around 10pm. $10 admission. Proceeds go to Breast Cancer Research (UNM Cancer Research/Treatment Center and PLTC-People Living Through Cancer).

To relieve the ache of body or mind: turpentine that issueth from the cones of the Larch Tree is singularly good to relieve all pain when mixed with powder of sage and left in the forest to be sung to by sparrows for at least three nights.

We re hard at work on a new record. Hopefully we ll have it done by year s end and released early 2006.

Vapours and hysteric fits: None may say they have not felt the thumping heart, the croaking gut, the fearsome urge to walk into still lakes with pockets full of stones! A great heaviness and dejection of spirit and a general gathering of bile that no amount of blood-letting may quench. Cleanse stomach by taking two pills of iron with a  warm glass of milk. Once the iron pills pass out of body again, you shall know peace untold and a firmness of vision that shall make the very mountains kneel before your iron will.

Paintings: I should have several new paintings for sale in about a month. I'll send out another e-mail when they're up on the website.

Sinus pain: weare a wilde catts skin on ye places grieved

Myspace.com c woe unto those of you poor souls addicted to this game as am I. Let s be friends. I am now checking my page at a rate of 25-30 times per hour.

To make hair grow: two ounces of the ashes of burnt bees, one drachm of a drunkard's tears, make an ointment of these and the day before the full moon shave the place and anoint. Thy hair shall grow like mountain rivers to fill the very streets with your golden curls.

February in Chicagot what nicer time to visit the fair winds of the midwest? We re waiting for confirmation of a show to celebrate the DVD release of The Search for the Wrong-Eyed Jesus”.

When crooked and lame: lie upon bear skins newly flead off and with some of such skins laid upon one now spend the night in such a sweat! Anouinting with boars grease will harden one to the cold and is good upon the temples when the voices of the dead are heard too loudly and often.

Enjoy the fall colors, friends. Xo Rennie

Inflammation of the throat: a swallow's nest stamped down and applied to the throat outwardly will allay such suffering and give one such a voice that all manner of birds shall gather upon thy form as you walk upon the cliffs.


JUNE, 2005:

LATEST NEWS and SPIRIT BOTTLES...

PAINTINGS - Ever wonder what I see when I close my eyes? My first public display of paintings is up on our website now. Yes, they are for sale. http://www.handsomefamily.com/paintingpage.html

JESUS! - Look for the release of "Searching for the Wrong-Eyed Jesus" in select U.S. theatres this July as well as on DVD in October and on the Sundance Channel by late 2005/early 2006. Lots of great musicians appear in this film plus you can see us performing on a house boat whilst trying not to get electrocuted. For more information: www.searchingforthewrongeyedjesus.com

NEW SONGStWe're finally starting to work on a new record. Also finishing that fence in the back yard. That should keep the stray dogs out.


Ah, the balmy nights of summer when the spirits of the dead pass freely into our world. Why not take some time to protect doors and windows from the undead and/or ancestral demons?

It's so easy to make a room ghost-free and keep it that way! First hang ghost mirrors at all entranceways. Take one large mirror and shatter into several small pieces with the back of your hand. These slivers of light also work well to ripen beefsteak tomatoes. Paint doors and window sills a bright blue. Draw large, all-seeing eye on headboard with black marker. Dried henbane and/or goat toenails should be hung on all appropriate door knobs.

Now that your bedroom is no longer a portal to astral dimensions it s time to tidy up the yard. A bottle tree is the easiest most cost-efficient method of clearing the cries of the undead from around the patio area. A thrift store plastic Christmas tree works well for this (silver or white are best). Alternatively, you may take an ordinary tree in your yard, strip it of all leaves and paint it white (or blood-red when seasonal). Hang empty bottles on all limbs of tree. Blue bottles work best though other colors may work especially if they are bright. Remember, to the dead our world looks as drab as a dirty reel of black and white film. They're not going to see your old brown beer bottles no matter how many you hang from your bottle tree or how loudly you scream, "Be gone!" and throw lit matches around the yard.

Try to avoid looking inside the bottles on your tree no matter how tempted you are to take a peek at what kinds of primordial devas you've captured. Remember, glass (especially blue glass) reflects light within itself infinitely so that spirits may wander within one small bottle for all eternity. Severe eye strain may result from looking inside spirit bottles and lead to delusions of grandeur, drowning, flying, falling and/or unexplained burning smells.

Additionally, do not be tempted to fill spirit bottles with water and drink (or use to serve iced tea to guests). Unpleasant side effects may include possession, speaking in tongues, visions of fire, visions of ice, unwanted levitations, discovery of secret passageways, embarrassing somnambulism, solicitation at crossroads by demons.

Oh, what a restful sleep may overtake you once you no longer fear being lured into the underworld by devouring sirens. Most people find they begin to look 30-40 years younger after only a few weeks demon-free. This could be your summer to turn heads!

Xo Rennie

APRIL, 2005
Dear Diary, I have made every sensible attempt to contact you via bus station telephone as well as encrypted e-mails masquerading as appeals from the Nigerian government. I feel I have no recourse but to write you directly and announce:

Alas, we must start from the beginning-- several days ago I dropped a raw egg into a jar of water and studied the patterns as the yolk slowly drifted apart. I was much alarmed by what I saw.

I examined my dental records, a recent MRI, and a childhood colonoscopy, but found conflicting messages within the hazy images. I threw chicken bones from a burlap bag. I swung a hatchet down into the kitchen table and took careful note of the pattern of quivering in the handle. I looked at the swirls of hair left by my cat upon the bedspread. It was simply not possible that all this hair had come from my cat!

I approached a young girl on the street and asked her to hold my key chain dangling between her first finger and thumb. Her slender fingers trembled and the keys slowly began to swing in a wide counter clockwise circle. I made a dowsing rod from a coat hanger and carefully marked where the rod began to point downward as I slowly walked about my neighbor s yard in the wee hours before dawn. I drew the alphabet in the dirt behind the grade school and spun round until I fell over onto one of the letters. There was much blood.

I walked into the local police department and demanded to be handcuffed. I set my shirt afire. I opened the telephone book at random. I called strangers and asked them to guess what was in my mouth. I took a jar full of beetles down to the cemetery and observed how they gravitated towards the graves of  murder victims. I examined the bubbles left by drunks urinating in my flower pots. For the love of all nameless gods, I beg you to cease and desist. Your ever-faithful servant...

Xo Rennie




FEBRUARY, 2005

DEAR FARAWAY FRIEND of the thing we call, The Handsome Family.” I must speak to you of two matters of vital importance. Please find herein announced:
I can no longer see my hands.
Upcoming tour dates.

I AWOKE to find myself buried up to my neck in the neighborhood sandbox. That evening I crept down the stairs in my pink nightgown. On the sixth step I found a small bundle of dried roses. I brought them to my nose and smelled a dark, sulfuric smell-- terrifying yet utterly familiar.

FEBRUARY, 2005-- Folk songs, Occult messages....
We're going to be doing 3 concerts featuring songs from Harry Smith s Anthology of American Folk Music. Harry Smith was an alchemist, a collector of found paper airplanes, a recorder of dying breaths, a numerologist, and a penniless drunk. He also is the dark lord who compiled our book of spells. Please join us to pay tribute to his majesty.

FEB. 22, 8pm SHARP at The Hideout, Chicago, IL

FEB. 26, 8pm The Paradiso, Amsterdam, Holland.
Here's the entire schedule for that night:
Roel Bentz van den Berg (big hall, introduction): 20.00 c 20.20
The Handsome Family (big hall): 20.20 c 21.00
Rani Singh (small hall, multi-media presentation): 21.00-21.40
Meindert Talma & the Negroes (big hall): 21.40-22.20
Born Heller (small hall): 22.20-23.00
David Eugene Edwards (big hall): 23.00-23.40

Feb. 28, HANDELSBEURS - FOYER, KOUTER 29, GENT, BELGIUM--
We ll probably play some of our own songs on this night.
Further info. at: www.handelsbeurs.be or 0032/(0) 9 265 91 65

I AWOKE to find myself standing on the roof of our house. Plates and glasses flew off the breakfast table. Unexplained fires flared up in the family room. I no longer ventured into the basement. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the shadow of a man in a trench coat running down the hallway towards the guest bathroom. I saw him againt-a shadow sitting up briefly in the backseat of my car as I drove to my volunteer work at the hospital. His name was Mr. Nobody. I saw it written in my rearview mirror when it suddenly fogged up as I drove past the sea.

APRIL, 2005: "The Future of Folk Music"
April 22, High Noon, Madison, Wisconsin. A show sponsored by the UW Center for Humanities.

I AWOKE to find a small glass bowl placed over my mouth and nose. Mr. Nobody was trying to steal my breath. He began to take a more solid form. I felt fingers circling my throat as I sat and watched my afternoon TV shows. I saw a fleeting figure run towards the basement door after the sewing machine pinned me to the floor. 

Somehow, the more he took from me, the better I felt. I could control a swarm of ants simply by waving my hands before them. Plants in our garden began to grow away from my bedroom window as if frightened by the powerful light emanating from me as I slept. Sometimes my body temperature rose to almost unendurable heat and blood trickled from my fingertips. I had uncontrollable fits of laughter that lasted for hours and left me weak and dehydrated.

JULY, 2005
July 8 and 9-- Winnipeg Folk Festival, Winnipeg, Canada. We ll be doing a concert and a few workshops.

Also in Julytwe may have some shows in Europe. More information in coming days.

I AWOKE and found that my hands had become grey, almost colorless. When I held them up to the light of the window I was momentarily shocked to find that I could see right through my hands to the sky. I could hear Mr. Nobody downstairs laughing and joking with someone else-- a voice I didn't recognize, gruff like an animal trying to imitate human speech. I listened to the laughter and the clank of coffee cups and the bell of the toaster dinging as new, soft-brown toast rose up from the burning orange coils. I climbed out my window and into the air.

A huge THANKS to everyone in AUSTRALIA and NEW ZEALAND who made our recent trip down under such a wonderful experience. Xo Rennie

SEPTEMBER, 2004

CURRENT NEWS:

IRELAND-- Other Voices” TV show airs our performance on Oct. 8 on RTE at 11:45pm.

USA--OCTOBER 23: RELEASE OF "THE ROSE AND THE BRIAR: DEATH, LOVE & LIBERTY IN THE AMERICAN BALLAD," edited by SEAN WILENTZ AND GREIL MARCUS, PUBLISHED BY W. W. NORTON-- A collection of essays (including one about the song "Pretty Polly" by Rennie Sparks of The Handsome Family), short stories, a comic strip, and art project on American ballads traditional and modern, from "Babara Allen" to "Nebraska." Also to be released at the same time is a companion CD, "The Rose & the Briar" (Sony) featuring "Blackwatertown," a new ballad with lyrics by Paul Muldoon (winner of 2003 Pulitizer Prize for poetry) with music by The Handsome Family.

CURRENT DELUSIONS...Sleep studies at THE HANDSOME FAMILY Laboratory are progressing smoothly thanks to generous anonymous donations and several death threats. In the last month I have awoken only once to briefly check the smoke detectors in the guest bathroom. They had been tampered with, just as I suspected... In any case, we are pleased to bring you several tips on slipping below the dream waters, and an unfortunate display of TOUR DATES as follows:

A small blue bead wound into hair at nape of neck (may also ward off witches) inspires delightful dreams of dancing snakes in pure white tubs of milk.
 
Horse skulls hung in a tree outside bedroom window may attract dogs and induce sleepwalking, but also offer several hours of dreamless sleep. Works best in a rainstorm and/or near an airport.

A dirty plate held over the face for two to three hours can bring a floating, oceanic feeling as well as long, untroubled sleep. Some screams upon awaking are perfectly normal.


One pound old bacon, cut small, roasted well, add handful of fish worms, one gill oats, three spoonfuls salt. Roast until black then strain through towel, add brandy, vinegar, boy s urine. Rub on leg crosswise on the third, sixth and ninth day after new moon. Foolproof! Also helpful in cases of dropsy, neuralgia, distemper, ague, croup, and lazy eye as well as scarlet fever, yellow fever, brain fever, blood fever and snow blindness.
 
Forty seven peach stones eaten every morning for three weeks or until symptoms disappear.
 
Walk directly north out of the front window of your house. Pick up the first white rock you see. Walk backwards with rock towards home. Use care in crossing intersections. Put rock under pillow. SPEAK OF THIS TO NO ONE! Repeat as necessary.

Sprinkle salt in someone else s shoes and/or place glass of water on head. Wait for boil.

Sweet dreams, friends. I must return to the lab. I hear glass breaking...

ox Rennie

AUGUST, 2004

Fair Tidings of MYSTERIOUS SHOES...

Over the years I have spotted many single shoes lying on the side

of the road as well as pairs of shoes thrown up over telephone lines. Only

yesterday I spotted a single man's beach sandal (a flip-flop” in

common parlance) lying in a puddle by the dog park.

Once I came back from a laundromat and found a child's plastic

rain boot tangled in with my clean underwear.

Last fall someone placed a pair of black men's sneakers on the back fence of my yard. They were perched neatly up there as if someone planned to come back for them, however several months went by and the sneakers remained there untouched.

I kept a careful watch on the shoes from my bedroom window. Sometimes I held a newspaper in my hands so that it would appear that I was reading. Finally, one afternoon, I made my way across the weeds. Inside the right shoe a black widow spider had spun a small web.

I could see the spider in there curled up under the tongue of the shoe,waiting. Inside the other shoe there was a cigarette lighter with a picture of a small dog wearing a Santa Claus hat. The lighter did not work.

 I became overwhelmed with the sensation of danger and carefully retraced my steps across the yard. I stood in my back doorway and pretended to talk on the phone. In a loud voice I said things like, "No, I m sorry, but I can t hold!"

I tossed and turned all night. I do not remember falling asleep, but opening my eyes I discovered that it was well past noon. I remembered a strange dream. An old woman sat on my chest and slapped my face with a pair of white ballet slippers.

I tried to read a book--a romance in which a young country girl rides a wild horse into the sea. I was distracted by the ticking of my wristwatch. I  dressed and went outside. I walked in exaggerated movements across  the yard, swinging my arms and legs like a marionette and turning my head  from side to side in a mechanical fashion. The sneakers were gone from the back fence.

I crouched down behind a small thorn bush and waited. Several hours passed. Darkness had fallen so completely that I could not see my own hands flapping in front of my face. The insects around me grew silent each time I moved. I felt insulted. At dawn I looked down at my hands and did not recognize them. I was wearing several turquoise rings that I found garish, but could not remove.

I climbed over the fence and ran down the alley. The streets were empty. I was wearing a pair of black, patent leather loafers that were several sizes too small. My heels hung over the backs, scraping painfully along the ground. I took off the left loafer and placed it carefully underneath a half-eaten stick of beef jerky near my neighbor's mailbox. I threw the right loafer into the public swimming pool. When I returned to my yard, my entire back fence had been removed.

ox RENNIE

APRIL 2004:

--Look for us in "Searching for the Wrong-Eyed Jesus" an independent film about American music featuring also Jim White, Johnny Dowd, Sixteen Horsepower, Melissa Swingle among others. Further info:

searchingforthewrongeyedjesus.com

---Look for our tour diary in Magnet Magazine
(#63, May/June 2004)
www.magnetmagazine.com

MARCH 2004:

GREETINGS SURFACE-DWELLER!

This dank and barnacled letter washes up from the depths of the Handsome Family deep sea laboratory where no light has shone for many hundreds of years and is now only a tale told to scare children.

HEREIN FIND- the OCTOPUS (8-armed trickster), HANDSOME FAMILY NEWS (new tee shirt), and a salute to XERXES (who ordered his men to whip the sea).

Octopus blood is pale blue and is pumped by three hearts. There is evidence that the octopus thinks not only with its small brain, but with clusters of nerves found in each arm, thus we find a creature far more intelligent than once supposed. These crafty invertebrates dig clams, slither into fish holds and have the nerve to swipe salmon from the talons of bald eagles. The octopus may also wave its arms in rhythmic patterns that attract and immobilize fish. Fishermen off the coast of Washington report seeing hundreds of small fish frozen in the water as if hypnotized by a passing giant Pacific octopus. One fisherman said, "I felt it myself. They had to tie me to the mast to keep me from throwing myself overboard."

The octopus can travel by crawling or by "jet propulsion"-- forcing water rapidly out of the head-like mantle through a tube known as the siphon. Octopus, like squid, can squirt ink when startled or upset. The small red octopus likes to live in beer bottles. The Atlantic green octopus prefers children's shoes.

Octopuses in captivity will invert their bodies, exposing their suckers upwards- much like a human panhandler- when they want food. If it isn't delivered, they'll swim back and forth in their tanks, turning red. Octopuses change their color seemingly to reflect their mood: usually red indicates 'anger' and white denotes 'fear.' There are exceptions. For example, the beautiful brown and white coloration of Octopus Horridus is believed to mimic the faint patterns of starlight reflected on the ocean's floor.

Captive octopus sometimes hold their breath, crawl out of their tank and go after the fish in other tanks. Some captive octopuses lie in ambush and spit in their keepers' faces. Others dismantle pumps and block drains, causing costly floods. A woman who kept an octopus named Crazy Arms in a small tank in her living room awoke one evening to find her beloved pet gone. She followed a faint wet trail that led out of her apartment and several miles across dark streets, but finally lost the trail at sunrise. "Sometimes I see him in my dreams," the woman told interviewers. "He's flying through the air, high up in the clouds. He looks happy."

OTHER BITS:
Have you visited our merchandise page at www.handsomefamily.com ?
Don't be frightened. We can't actually look at you through your computer screen when you visit our site even though it may feel this way.

Merchandise News:
We have a NEW T-SHIRT (teeny girl size to XXL) depicting the missing octopus Crazy Arms. Why not invite him to float upon your chest? Warning. Do not stare directly at tentacles for more than a few seconds at a time. May induce sleepwalking.

We have a few of the old shirt (GIRL W/GUN) left, too.

We should have some more of the European compilation CD called "Down in the Valley" some time in the next month or two.
--------------+++++++++++--------------+++++++++++--------------+++++++++++--------------
XERXES VS. THE HATEFUL SEA

...They then began to build bridges across the Hellespont river, the Phoenicians building one of ropes made from flax, and the Egyptians building a second one out of papyrus. From Abydos to the opposite shore it is a distance of almost two-thirds of a mile. But no sooner had the strait been bridged than a great storm came on and cut apart and scattered all their work.

Xerxes flew into a rage at this, and he commanded that the Hellespont be struck with three hundred strokes of the whip and that a pair of foot-chains be thrown into the sea. He also commanded the scourgers to speak outlandish and arrogant words:

"You hateful water, our master lays his judgement on you thus, for you have unjustly punished him even though he's done you no wrong! Xerxes the king will pass over you, whether you wish it or not! It is fitting that no man offer you sacrifices, for you are a muddy and salty river!"

In these ways Xerxes commanded that the sea be punished and also that the heads be severed from all those who directed the bridging of the Hellespont.

From The Histories of Herodotus: Xerxes at the Hellespont

That's all I have to say for now. Please feel free to e-mail complaints, queries, fears etc. ox Rennie

August, 2003:

Big Howdy Pilgrim from Handsome Family Forest--a waste and howling wilderness, hideous thickets of eternal night where devils dance in puddles of blood.

TODAY'S TOP STORY:
After many unspeakable rituals made in worship to he-who's-name-may-not-be-uttered we are pleased to announce that our new CD, "Singing Bones" will be released worldwide in October. This sound recording will soon be available for purchase (check back to our website www.handsomefamily.com in October) Want to see us in the flesh? Take a glance at our tour schedule and gather ye rotten vegetables while ye may.

WEEKEND CHEF: Thousand Year Old Eggs
(serves 12)
2 cups tea, very strong black
1/3 cup salt
2 cups ashes of pine wood
2 cups ashes of charcoal
2 cups fireplace ashes
1 cup lime powder ( available at garden or hardware stores)
12 duck eggs, fresh

Combine tea, salt, ashes and lime. Using about 1/2 cup per egg,
thickly coat each egg completely with this clay-like mixture. Line
a large crock with garden soil and carefully lay coated eggs on
top. Cover with more soil and place crock in a cool dark place.
Allow to cure for 100 days. To remove coating, scrape eggs and
rinse under running water to clean thoroughly. Crack lightly and
remove shells. The white of the egg will appear a grayish, translucent
color and have a gelatinous texture. The yolk, when sliced, will
be a grayish-green color. Cut into wedges and serve.

THE MEDICINE CHEST: Backyard Pyramid.
Feeling rundown? A backyard pyramid may get your aura vibrating again. Make sure it's built to the correct proportion and angle (52.606º ). Food kept under the pyramid will stay fresh for two to three times longer than uncovered. The pyramid will dehydrate and mummify things, but it will not permit decay or mold to grow. Kirlian photographs show human auras become significantly brighter after only15-minute pyramid exposure. Brine shrimp (sea monkeys to you) usually live 6 to 7 weeks; but under the pyramids they have been kept alive for over a year. Underneath pyramids theta and alpha brain waves are increased. Prolonged meditation under a pyramid may impart a feeling of weightlessness; a time distortion (both of speeding up and slowing down), and very graphic dreams in vivid color.
.
ABOUT TOWN: The Handsome Family are preparing to leave the house to begin touring in support of the new record. This involves conquering several phobias including but not limited to: fear of water, tiny things, large dogs, small dogs, dogs with ESP, invisible dogs, shape-shifting dogs, dogs who look like spiders, dogs who dance on two legs, dogs pretending to be humans pretending to be dogs, spiders. Pray that we may we have the front door cracked open by Oct. 6 when our new CD is released.

May 2003:

"I opened my eyes, and the before sun-lit room was now wrapped in outer darkness. Instantly I felt a shock running through all my frame; nothing was to be seen, and nothing was to be heard; but a supernatural hand seemed placed in mine. My arm hung over the counterpane, and the nameless, unimaginable, silent form or phantom, to which the hand belonged, seemed closely seated by my bedside. For what seemed ages piled on ages, I lay there, frozen with the most awful fears, not daring to drag away my hand; yet ever thinking that if I could but stir it one single inch, the horrid spell would be broken. I knew not how this consciousness at last glided away from me; but waking in the morning, I shudderingly remembered it all, and for days and weeks and months afterwards I lost myself in confounding attempts to explain the mystery. Nay, to this very hour I often puzzle myself with it."

---The Handsome Family's favorite paragraph from "Moby Dick"

Greetings friends old and new from the hallowed halls of Handsome Family Mountain. Today I waited for Planet X to appear in the sky and block out the sun entirely. The birds ignored my bird bath. The tomato plant wilted. Only the fire ants rush to greet me when I leave the house.

Thanks to everyone in England, Scotland, Holland, and Germany who came to see us play on our recent travels. Thanks to American Airlines for not charging us too much extra for all them suitcases even though drinks are now $5 each. We're home again, hacking away at the weeds and finishing up our new CD, "Singing Bones."

Other news of note: we are proud to have a lovely cover of our song, "Weightless Again" on Cerys Matthew's (ex-Catatonia) new CD. Also a breathtaking version of "Don't be Scared" on the new CD from Mr. Andrew Bird.

October, 2002, Autumn Ramblings:

THE HANDSOME FAMILY announce......

Finally Proof That Wolves Are Good Babysitters:
"In all my travels, the only time I ever slept deeply was when I was with wolvesThe days with my wolf family multiplied. I have no idea how many months I spent with them but I wanted it to last forever­it was far better than returning to the world of my own kind. Today, though
most memories of my long journey are etched in tones of gray, the time spent with the wolves is drenched in color. Those were the most beautiful days I had ever experienced." So wrote Misha Defonseca, a Jewish orphan who, from the ages of 7 to 11, wandered through occupied Europe during World War II, living on wild berries, raw meat and food stolen from farmhouses, and occasionally teaming up with wolves.
----From Paul Sieveking's article on Feral Children in The Fortean Times

New Conspiracy Uncovered:
Blue Jays are burying nuts in my yard.

New Release:
"Nothing Left to Lose: A Tribute to Kris Kristofferson"
A great compilation of songs/musicians newly released from Incidental Music.

Track Listing:
1. HANDSOME FAMILY: "Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down"
2. SOULED AMERICAN: "Please Don't Tell Me How the Story Ends"
3. CALIFONE: "Border Lord"
4. DIANA DARBY: "Jesus Was a Capricorn"
5. REBECCA GATES W/ CALIFONE: "Nobody Wins"
6. CALEXICO: "Casey's Last Ride"
7. COURT & SPARK: "For the Good Times"
8. ZMRZLINA W/ MILK CHOPPER: "Me & Bobby McGee"
9. RADAR BROTHERS: "Help Me Make it Through the Night"
10. DEANNA VARAGONA: "Burden of Freedom"
11. CREEPER LAGOON: "Why Me"
12. GRANFALOON BUS: "Kiss the World Goodbye"
13. VIRGIL SHAW: "Just the Other Side of Nowhere"
14. RICHARD BUCKNER: "Lovin' Her Was Easier (Than Anything I'll Ever Do Again)"
15. CROOKED JADES: "Shipwrecked in the Eighties"
16. HOWE GELB: "The Pilgrim (Chapter 33)"
17. GRANDADDY: "Best of All Possible Worlds"

Sound good? To order this CD or read more details, go to:
www.incidentalmusic.com/artists/various/nothing_left_to_lose/index.html

New Autumn Drink:
vodka with tea bag

New Autumn Fashion:
cat whisker tiara

August, 2002, automatic writing:

Since March 1977 I have been subjected to continual anonymous surveillance and assaults whose impact has devastated me. Between September 1977 and March 1978 I was for the first time made aware that these were being accomplished by use of two-way mental telepathy and its physical and emotional equivalents. I have been systematically deprived of both capacity and opportunity to exercise the rights which flow from my U.S. citizenship as well as the fundamental rights inherent in mere human existence. I assess my situation as substantially worse than it would be under formally instituted imprisonment and forfeiture of civil rights as administered under any legal system that has existed in recorded history. If the telepathic cannibalism which has victimized me has existed for long then my so-called education was in reality a systematic implantation of delusions deliberately designed to injure me. My existence for more than two years must be characterized as subjected to hostile and total external control to an extent unrecorded in the literature of civilization.

June, 2002

We were recently on Later with Jools Holland. It was the show that the Hives, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and Brian Ferry were on. It was kind of scary, but don't we look like we feel cool instead of petrified? Don of Circuit Magazine took this picture of us. Nice work.

CURRENT FEARS:

1. Mysterious tenth planet will crash into Earth in 2013 knocking us out of
our orbit and causing 300 mph winds to carry me off into the vacuum of outer
space.
2. A huge civilisation of cockroaches is building a doomsday machine in the
crawl space under my bed.
3. If I believe in ghosts (or even say the word "ghost" inside my head) this
gives ghosts the substance and the strength to drag me off into the boarded
up backroom of our cellar. People will hear me scream, but they will all
say, "Gee that fan needs some grease."
4. I will be swallowed by a sinkhole while driving on a deserted road, but I
will not be killed by the fall. Instead I will slowly suffocate inside my
car with only FM radio for company. Last thing heard will be the afternoon
zoo crew making fart noises.
5. All the vegetables in my refrigerator are screaming in agony, but the
sound is on a frequency that I am unable to hear.
7. Cats really don't want to have a tea party with me in formal wear.

March, 2002

Greetings friend from Albuquerque, New Mexico (home of the Great American Manson look-alike contest!). Enclosed you will find our latest tour schedule and some other handy household hints. Happy spring. ox Rennie

FUN HOME PROJECTS!

Make a ghost tape!
It's easy. Simply place a blank cassette into your recorder and press 'record'. Turn out lights and ask the darkness, "Is there anyone out there who would like to speak to me?" Sit quietly until tape recorder clicks off. Now just rewind the tape and listen. Listen carefully! Is that your dead grandmother telling you where the government bonds are hidden? Or, could it be Jack the Ripper singing "Silent Night"? Too many ghosts on your tape? Simply fill your shoes with salt to disperse unwanted presences.

Learn to understand animals!
Simply bury yourself underground for one full month with a small breathing tube in your mouth leading up to the surface. No cheating! Try to focus on white light only. Most yogis who accomplish this discover upon returning to the surface world they are now able understand everything from the flick of a lizard's tongue to the growl of a rabid dog. Caution: unpleasant side effects such as flowers growing from abdomen and unexpected levitations have been noted.

TODAY'S CHUCKLE:
"I heard the most beautiful music!" exclaimed Andrew Jackson upon waking from the chloroform after having his leg sawed off.

NEW RELEASES!
On April 1 The Handsome Family will be self-releasing a CD called "Smothered and Covered" which includes various songs of ours that never found a way onto a CD as well as some covers that have appeared on some compilation CDs and a few very intimate demos of songs we have already released. We are putting this CD out ourselves so it will NOT be distributed (well except to a few nice people) and so will mostly only be available from our website or at our live shows.

Also in the coming months we should have a live CD released by the Digital Club Network. More details to come.

OTHER MERCHANDISE:
We now have XXL shirts for our bigger-boned fans. Due to extra material used and late hours for the barefoot children in our sweat shops, these shirts cost $1 more than the S-M-L-XL shirts.

ALSO, if you're a guitar amp collector, please check out the link from our merchandise page to look at Greg Hansen's homemade amplifers. He's a friend of ours and his amplifers are really unique.

All the above-referenced crap can be found at www.handsomefamily.com

December, 2001

Here's a Tour Diary from our latest European Tour:

Handsome Family Tour: Oct. 29 through Dec. 7, 2001
IRISH SHOWS: Pinelodge, Myrtleville; The Kings Bar, Waterford; The Spirit Store, Dundalk; Dolan's Warehouse, Limerick; Whelan's, Dublin; Auntie Annie's, Belfast
PLUS: A quick commute to London and back for a show at the Barbican.
Folks in Ireland laugh non-stop at our shows, even at the most depressing songs about extinct birds, suicides, tidal waves and the suffering of small animals. I feel sane here. We arrive at a radio station in Cork City to do a live performance when suddenly we are locked in the building, quarantined for hours because of an anthrax scare. The army finally negotiates a special tank down the narrow streetÐ-a tank designed to take away bombs not anthrax. Luckily, the anthrax envelope turned out to be filled with bits of a broken jewel case from some band's demo CD. No anthrax in Cork today. The radio station receptionist was angry. "In Dublin, they bought them some rubber gloves to open the mail with! I had to buy my own!"
We drove back from Limerick to Dublin after the show to take an early flight to London. There is total darkness between Limerick and Dublin as we pass through all the sleeping towns. I am suddenly terrified being in a country without 24 hour restaurants. Finally on the outskirts of Dublin we find a man selling petrol from a bullet-proof cage. He sells us a coronation chicken sandwich and a tank of gas. Three hours sleep then off to London.
THE BARBICAN:
Howe Gelb walks in our dressing room and immediately dismantles the pristine, shiny Steinway upright piano. By the end of the night, people are sticking spoons and fingers into the piano strings trying to play "Cold as Ice" without touching the piano keys. I jokingly asked the Barbican staff if someone could carry me on stage and the burliest of them steps forward smiling. This was our first show before 2,000 people and Brett broke a string on the second song. Stalling for time while Brett looked for a new string, I told the crowd what happened on the plane ride over: the entire plane thrown into panic when a man started fighting with a young blonde girl in the aisle. They are pushing and shoving each other and the stewardesses run towards them. I am sitting frozen in fear, waiting for the box-cutter to appear. But, no death on that flight. Turned out he was just a drunk who stuck his hands between the girl's legs while she was sleeping. The whole plane celebrated-"Just a pervert! Not a terrorist!" We ignored the poor blonde girl sobbing in the corner, but the cops were waiting at Heathrow to drag the perv away. Two weeks later I get a call from his lawyer who was at the Barbican show (!), asking me to give evidence in his case. Small fucking world.
BACK TO IRELAND:
We were so tired the next day, we spent two hours searching for our car keys in the airport parking lot, even consulting the airport police, before I found the keys in my purse. Very tired at Whelan's and people were talking loudly while we were playing. Brett sang "I Know you are there...because I can hear you fucking talking!" After we played we needed security to help us get our stuff out as the bar had turned immediately into a dance club where people were dancing so hard they were bruising each other. The ride to Belfast was delayed by a dog running across the road far up in Northern Ireland causing the entire Irish highway "system" to grind to a halt. I ate a deep-fried egg mayonnaise sandwich served in a pool of butter, but still felt so tired my face was numb. People in Belfast seem to find my jokes funnier now that my face is a frozen mask. Next morning I found a lovely deer plaque in a charity shop.
ENGLAND: Ceol Castle, Birmingham; The Charlotte, Leicester; The Tower, Winchester; The Band Room, Farndale; University of Manchester; Pavilion Theatre, Brighton; Boardwalk, Sheffield; Fibbers, York; Jumpin' Hot Club (at the Live Theatre), Newcastle
There's a dog that lives in a pen behind the bar in Birmingham who howl-sings along with the high notes. I am in love, but the dog is well-trained and I can not coax him into the car the next morning. The Band Room is way up on the Yorkshire Moors. When I joke that the government has chosen tonight to begin releasing wolves back into the moors, no one laughs. The bathrooms are in a bunker across the windy parking lot and glowing eyes peer from the darkness as I walk. Not wolves, just curious sheep. In Manchester we were so tired we stopped at the first hotel we saw. Turned out to be the most expensive Marriot in the world and anytime we touched anything in the room another bill was slipped under the door. A little taste of America's glory.
Down at the Pavillion Theatre in Brighton, we are joined by Andrew Bird and Nora O'Connor, who prove to be a huge hit with the crowds and a great help to us over the course of this long tour. They pull our fat out of the fire many a night by joining us onstage and providing energy and impeccable musicianship. Next day, we head back up north again. At the Jumpin Hot Club, Brett and I have a big fight over dinner. We are so tired and sick of each other we are reduced to silent glaring, can't even muster up the energy to insult each other. We hobble onstage. A man screams "Shut up" while I'm talking between songs and I invited him on stage to scream "Shut up" at me while I gave him a blow job. That shuts him up, or so I think. Then later the poor man e-mails to say he was telling some girls next to him to shut up because his favorite band (us) was playing. Oh well, still spreading sunshine.
SCOTLAND: Q.M.U., Edinburgh; The Lemon Tree, Aberdeen; Arches, Glasgow
Students are playing pool while we are playing and so I have to remind myself that the cheers sporadically erupting are based on good shots on the pool table and not our great songs. After the show, we talk sheep with locals. The Scottish have the best sheep stories. Tonight someone tells us about the farmer who had a sheep that fell into a ravine, but the farmer couldn't bring himself to kill it even though its skull was cracked, even though it was his business to kill sheep. He kept bringing the sheep food and kept it alive for years,though it couldn't walk and birds had pecked out its eyes. Ah Scotland, your dark beauty is only heightened by the Absinthe for sale at Tesco.
ENGLAND, WALES, THEN ENGLAND AGAIN: Telford's Warehouse, Chester; The Chattery Restaurant, Swansea; Blackheath Halls, London
Telford's is the night of my birthday. I am showered with dead flowers and champagne. I am tempted to lie and say it's my birthday the next night as well. But, Swansea is its own joy. The Chattery is the local chippy and it is a strange thrill to go from playing for 2,000 at the Barbican to playing in a restaurant in Swansea. It's nice to be able to see everyone's faces as we play. We are exhausted again by the time we get to Blackheath. It's thanksgiving night and we order nachos and cheese sandwiches from room service to celebrate. If you had blindfolded me and then forced me to eat the nachos I would have guessed kidney pie, but still it does alleviate some of the homesickness.
HOLLAND: The Paradiso, Amsterdam; 013 Tilburg
We pay $100 for a garage to take our rental car off our hands in Amsterdam. It's that awful to drive there. Bicycles, walkers, trams, taxis... But, out of the car, Amsterdam is great. The best falafel in the world. Strange stores full of Indonesian drums and whistles. Mongolian throat singers playing in the tunnel under the Rijksmuseum. It's comforting to know that, if need be, I can get some help killing myself here. Maybe get stoned and hire a prostitute to do it? We leave all our equipment in the car in Tilburg because I realize that we are probably the most dangerous people in this town.
GERMANY AND SWITZERLAND: Knust, Hamburg; Golgatha, Berlin; Star Club, Dresden; Club 2, Munich; Rittergarten, Tuttlingen; El Lokal, Zurich
An endless journey to Hamburg consisting of missed trains and huge staircases to lug gear up. Finally arrive. We are here as support for Oh Susanna. She likes the same morbid folk songs we do so we get along well. We make no money in Germany and what we do make is immediately taken back to pay foreign artist taxes, but we enjoy many delicious meals with mysterious names that always turn out later when translated to be something like creamed kitten tails on a bed of deer eyelashes. We get separated for two hours in the Zurich airport when I get off the elevator at a different floor than Brett. Much hilarity (actually sobbing) ensues. Back in London, my hair has turned white and I have acquired the limping gait and pallor of the undead.
ENGLAND, AGAIN: ULU, London; 100 Club, London
ULU actually goes well even though by all rights we should be in the hospital by now. Someone gives me a bag of chocolate spiders. Next morning at the 100 club we play "Girl with the Faraway Eyes" to celebrate Uncut Magazine's Rolling Stones issue. It is a private party with lots of drink and tiny sandwiches. By noon, I have achieved the warm and happy drunk that comes with knowing you are going home soon.

September, 2001

Hello to all who have ever uttered the name "Handsome Family" even while under heavy sedation.

Today I found a tooth in the back yard. Well, actually a trail of teeth leading, oddly-enough, right back to my own gaping mouth! In any case, tonight I attempt to sleep with the lights off and my "Soothing Seascapes" CD at half volume. I am unique and I have a lot to offer the world. I am unique and I have a lot to offer the world. I am unique and I have a lot to offer the world.

Tomorrow I start my "19th-Century American Mountain Man" diet!

BREAKFAST:
When caught by winter blizzards or while on unexpectedly long desert marches, many a mountain man escaped starvation only by bleeding his horse and drinking the blood or cutting off and eating the ears of his mule.

LUNCH:
One old mountain man recalled, "I have held my hands in an ant-hill until they were covered with ants, then greedily licked them off. I have taken the soles of my moccasins, crisped them in the fire, and eaten them. We used to throw black crickets into a kettle of boiling water, wait until the kicking stopped then eat.

DINNER:
In the spring when the first fat cow was killed, the intestines were thrown across the fire until puffed with heat and fat then coiled on a blanket and gulped down without chewing. On such an occasion two men would start on the opposite ends of a pile of intestines and work their way toward the middle, each eating faster and faster to get his share, and shouting to the other to "FEED FAIR!"

SNACK:
Roasted beaver tail with handful of wild berries. Watch for grizzlies.

NEWS

NEW CD: Yes, finally, The Handsome Family has a new CD which will arrive in the stores on September 24th. It's called "Twilight." I hope you like it and I don't have to go back to stealing hubcaps.

MOVE: We finally made the big leap and moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico. We bought us a little adobe hacienda. "Why the hell??", you might ask. Well, it's dirt cheap (even the dirt is cheap) and it's home to the Sparks clan. Brett's brother and Mom and Dad live out here or at least that's who he claims these people are. Just wait till you see the new band photos shot in the desert. Brett has built a studio and has more work than he can shake a stick at. I spend most of my free time wandering the foothills in search of nicely bleached ribcages.

WEBSITE (www.handsomefamily.com): We can now accept credit cards on the merchandise page of our website. This is good for all you impulse buyers as well as all you foreigners who can now just click a button and not have to go get a wad of American dollars to send us if you want one of our fine products. Also, we have a new, professionally rendered tee shirt design. We recommend perusing our merchandise while drunk.

NEW TOUR: We will be touring and touring and touring now that the new CD is done. In preparation I have just purchased a new toothbrush cover. See Shows page for current schedule. ox Rennie

PS. If you would like an e-mail of our semi-frequent newsletter as well as tour information sent to you, then e-mail us and tell us so.

March, 2001

Hi everyone, here's the latest news from the Handsome Family Social Club:

We finally had enough of the cold and the wind and the traffic and the cost of living and have decided to move away from Chicago. On June 7 we're pulling the moving van out and heading to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Below you will see some of the information that helped us come to this decision.

Chicago:
children in pajamas abandoned in parking lots
Albuquerque:
packs of stray dogs run through empty neighborhoods
Chicago:
crumbling buildings and falling icicles crush in skulls of downtown pedestrians
Albuquerque:
all houses constructed of mud, straw and old cow bones
Chicago:
emergency rooms full of handcuffed men getting skull fracture X-rayed
Albuquerque:
emergency rooms full of handcuffed men getting skull fracture X-rayed
Chicago:
uniformly grey sky gives consistancy to the seasons and suicide rates
Albuquerque:
constant deep blue sky above mud horizon causes desert madness in which people paint all their possessions turquoise and begin to eat dirt

We will sorely miss all our Chicago friends, but, as you can see, the choice is obvious. I wish we could move tonight so I wouldn't have to attempt to clean up this abandoned warehouse we're living in. (Note to self: reset rat traps). Anyway, in the fall of 2001, when our next CD is released we should be touring everywhere we can think of, including back to Chicago.

xo Rennie

PS. If you would like an e-mail of our semi-frequent newsletter as well as tour information sent to you, then e-mail us and tell us so.

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